What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:09
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What is your favourite true story to tell at a party?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do you as a gay male enjoy the feeling of getting a penis in your anus?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
He knew the spot.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ive learnt so much.
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Put me off passion for life!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is soul school!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it wasn’t much.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..